The Alf Ippititimus 2012 Convention.

A HOTEL LOBBY.   

A BOARD DISPLAYS ‘THE ALF IPPITITIMUS CONVENTION 2012’ A GROUP OF CHINESE WOMEN IN THEIR MID THIRTIES ARE WALKING UP RED CARPETED STAIRS.  THEY WEAR FLAT CAPS AND GLASSES.  

WE FOLLOW THEM INTO THE HOTEL BAR.  AT THE BAR A BLACK LADY IS DRESSED IN FULL ALF IPPITITIMUS  COSTUME OF WIG, GLASSES, FLAT CAP, STRIPED SHIRT, DUNGAREES AND HOBNAIL BOOTS. SHE IS TALKING TO A TAWAINESE WOMAN WHO IS WEARING AN ALF WIG AND DRINKING A PINT OF TETLEY’S BITTER. 

NEARBY A GROUP OF YOUNG SWEDISH WOMEN CONVULSE AND TWITCH THEIR BODIES.  

Swedish Women

(gesticulating wildly)

Hmm Waaheeey

A GROUP OF BRITISH WOMEN ALSO START TO DO THE SAME.  

British Women

Geroffffffffffff  Phwaaaaaaay

BOTH GROUPS WEAR SPARKLY DRESSES BEARING THEIR COUNTRIES FLAG.

BOTH GROUPS ARE WATCHED OVER BY A WOMAN IN A BROWN OVERCOAT.  SHE MAKES NOTES AND KEEPS SCORES ON A CLIPBOARD.  SHE CONFERS WITH ANOTHER LADY WHO ALSO APPEARS TO BE MAKING NOTES.    

A MIDDLE AGED BLONDE LADY WALKS INTO THE ROOM. SHE IS VERY EXCITED.  HER BLONDE HAIR IS STYLED AND CUT LIKE ALF IPPITITIMUS

Blonde Lady

Quiet everyone.  The Choir is here.

LADIES FROM THE 'SOWETO GOSPEL CHOIR' ENTER THE BAR.  THEY HOLD PLACARDS AND BANNERS DISPLAYING ALF IPPITITIMUS’S IMAGE. THERE IS A HUSH IN THE ROOM AS THEY START TO SING A ZULU TRADITIONAL SONG THAT HAS BEEN MODIFIED FOR THE CONVENTION.

PEOPLE START TO SWAY ALONG TO THE SONG.

African Women

We travel across the countries 

Singing our song

We travel across the countries

Singing our song all nations love our songs

This is the song

Yes this is the song

Oh!  It is Alf Ippititimus 

Two Ipps, a pip and a titimus

Phwaay Wahey Gerrof!

Oh it is Alf, Oh it is Alf, It’s Alf in my soul,

For I have touched the hem of his garment

THE AFRICAN WOMEN CONVULSE AND TWITCH THE ALF MANNERISMS AS THEY CONTINUE WITH THE SONG.

And his blood has made me whole

Mmmm Wahey! Mmm Wahey Phwaay!

I tried all that I could, seemed like nothing did me any good

Then I heard Alf, he was passing by, and I decided to give him a try

Wahey Phwaaay Gerroof!

Wahey, mmmm, Wu-hey, Gerrof Phwaay!

Gerrof hmmmm Phwaay!

Hmmmm mmm ooop Phwaay!

Wahey, Gerrof Phwaay!

Ahh Hmm Waheeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Mmmmmmm

THE CHOIR FINISH TO HEARTY APPLAUSE. SOME OF THE CROWD HUG EACH OTHER WHILST OTHERS ARE CRYING SOFTLY.  BLONDE LADY GETS UP ON A PODUM TO TALK TO THE CROWD.  SHE IS QUITE EMOTIONAL.

Blonde Lady

That was......

A BEAUTIFUL PORTUGUESE WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A MISS WORLD ENTRANT HOLDS A LOVE HEART CUSHION WITH ALF’S PICTURE IN THE CENTRE.  SHE HANDS HER A HANDKERCHIEF.

DABBING AT HER EYES SHE LOOKS AT HER.

Thank you Ines. 

SHE GATHERS HER COMPOSURE.

Well that was lovely.  Just lovely.  Thank you ladies.

Well ...I must say what a turn out we’ve had for 2012 and this our fourth Alf Ip.Ip Ip.p..it..it.i..mus convention.

SHE PUTS HER HAND TO HER EAR AND WAITS FOR THE CROWD’S REACTION.

Crowd(shouting back)

Two Ips, a Pip and a Titimus

THEY ARE ALL IN GOOD SPIRITS CLAPPING AND CHEERING.

Blonde Lady

And it’s good to see some familiar faces here again.

SHE POINTS AT A YOUNG TURKISH WOMAN WHO CARRIES A TURKISH FLAG WITH ALF’S FACE EMBLAZONED ON IT. SHE WAVES IT PROUDLY IN THE AIR.      

Hi ya Rafat.

Now the buffet is ready but I must ask you all to please refrain from your 

Alf reenactments until the buffet’s been cleared.  I don’t want a repeat of last year.  

SHE SPOTS AN OLDER PERUVIAN WOMAN IN FULL COSTUME.  

DO WE MRS SANCHEZ?

MRS SANCHEZ LOOKS EMBARRASSED.  SOME OF THE CROWD START TO LAUGH.  THEY POINT AT HER.  THEIR PINTS OF BEER SLOSH AROUND IN THEIR GLASSES AS THEY DO AN IMPRESSION OF MRS SANCHEZ’S ALF IMPRESSION.  

BEER STARTS TO SPILL EVERYWHERE.

Blonde Lady

(Slightly worried she looks towards an older lady at the side of the bar)

Quick!  Rita get a mop and bucket 

MORE PEOPLE JOIN IN WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.  IT IS LIKE A DOMINO EFFECT AS PINTS OF BEER END UP ON THE FLOOR AS DO SOME OF THE CROWD.

SHE GLARES AT MRS. SANCHEZ WHO HAS MOVED TO SAFETY AT THE OTHER END OF THE ROOM. 

BEER AND BODIES COLLIDE WITH EACH OTHER.

Blonde Lady

Rita....Rita. You might want to make that two.  Have you got that steam cleaner handy?

Crowd

Wahey Gerooof Phwaayyyyy!